You're Losing Me - Taylor Swift: How I wish I Could Never Relate

        Few weeks ago, the internet was breaking because of Taylor's new– unreleased– song called You’re Losing Me. I recall how my soul was wrecked to the ground when I first heard this song. As if, I got taken back to some unapologetic gut-wrenching moments in my life that I tried to walk away from. Definitely not the first sad or breakup song I’ve ever heard, but this one brought me into a different dimension that younger me would never wish to experience. So frustrating to think about some lines that were so related to some hellish situations I’ve been in. In this blog, I would like to write about the lines that have been stuck in my head since the first time I heard it, and also all the painful moments which cause me to relate to each. Writing this all might help me to map out my feelings and hopefully will make me feel seen and feel better.

1. “We thought a cure would come through in time, now, I fear it won't”

Let’s start with this one. Standing on the string where deep in your heart you know would rip. Completely aware there was a mine that’s waiting for it's time to explode. Work everything to blow the bullet but it just won’t. The lost faith. The hopeful now a hopeless.

2. “How can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dyin'?”

Ears were full, yet my soul was bare. Realizing all the love designations don't matter anymore. The love with oxygen was what I needed, but all I got was sweet venom. The day my affliction was no longer a jeopardy to my lover. The poison filled my lungs, but my mauve cheeks were one he was aware of. The day I had to choose between cutting the bond or the pulse.

3. “I gave you all my best me's, my endless empathy. And all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier”

Personally I would say, this is the most beautiful and damaging line of this song. I love this line as much as I hate it. Brain is a time machine, and all of the sudden it’s March again. I was alone laying on the bedroom floor, suffocated, shaking, wishing God would take away the pain, or just take my whole existence. My desire for my lover’s contentment took precedence over any other consideration. Still my blood was what he asked for. Reminiscing those days when everything I did was just to make him happy, to make him feel safe, to make him feel loved. I remember buying new books which were related to his interest just to have a longer and deeper conversation with him, I canceled all my plans just to spare my time for him, every breath I took was like an allegiance for his coziness. Thought his smile was worth my suffering.

Sturdy was the word my lover used to describe me. Perhaps, that was how he genuinely saw me. Tough as an athlete, strong as a soldier, powerful as his nation, but never tender as a lover. Empathy was worthless. All my best me’s were never enough.

4. “And I wouldn't marry me either, 

A pathological people pleaser

Who only wanted you to see her”

Surely every hopeless romantic person's dream is to be seen and feel loved by their lover. Love is what drives our soul. We– hopeless romantic– willingly to do anything just to make our loved ones pleased. Though, some solicitude was rewarded burning flame and some favors weren’t reciprocated. Most of the time, it leaves us thinking of how undeserving  we are of love, and how incapable we are of being a lover. The truth is, the problem is not within us, it isn’t our love, our lack of effort, and solicitude. The only wrong is that we fall in love with the wrong person. We fall for those who see our endeavor as a pathological people pleasing behavior. We fall for those who were unable to love us for who we are. We fall for those who were too blind to look for our heart and soul. 

5. "Do something, babe, say something" 

"Lose something, babe, risk something" 

"Choose something, babe, I got nothing

To believe

Unless you're choosin' me"

This bridge took me back to the day I was desperately crying in front of my lover and begged him to do something or just to say something. Wishing he’d choose me over anything else, just like what I would do for him. Turns out, walking away was the path he chose. Leaving me alone, cleaning up all the mess our affair has created. My love brought agony in lieu of comfort. 

Love might sometimes lead you to be unreasonable. One thing for sure, don’t ever let your love be so much bigger, it even outgrows your body until your brain is too frozen to think straight, your feet too heavy to walk away, your chest too bleeding to breathe. Never let your preposterous love swallow your pride and let yourself be an alternative to someone who has always been in your first place. Your love is too precious to be treated that way. You deserve so much better!

        That’s all that I could write. I am still recovering from all the wounds this song had me feel. Although it wasn’t a delightful memory which makes me relate to this song, I am still grateful for those moments. I never regret being a kind, caring, loving person. Those are my superpowers. It’s their loss, they are losing me. I am grateful for every season in my life, those storms and rainbows, are what grows me to be this resilient. Thank you so much Taylor Swift for this beautiful song. 

        Also praying for Taylor and Joe, hope they both find their true happiness and love. Hope they find the cure and will heal from what breaks them. May we all cherish every moment in our lives, all the good and the bad, every smile and every tear. May we all have a beautiful reason everyday to live and to love.